Worn

My prayers are wearing thin. I'm worn, even before the day begins. I've lost my will to fight. 

I want to know that something can rise out of the ashes of a broken life. As my past runs swiftly to catch me, I struggle to find the words. 

The rush of the cold builds inside my breaking heart. All that races through my mind is the choices I've made. All that controls my tongue is the voice of the person who once was.

Slowly I left my head from my hands and with a heavy heart I sink to my knees. I try to lift my eyes but I am too weak. I know that He can give me rest, so I cry out weakly with all that I have left. 

"I'm scared I'll never be good enough for you." my voice cracks as my heavy eyes stare down at the floor. "All I've ever done is disappoint you over and over again."

"Yet I still love thee."  a small voice whispers within my aching soul. 

"But why? How could you love something as worthless as me?I've fallen too far to love."

"Don't you know who you are child?" The voice asks softly. Words can't escape my broken lips, I only shake my head in shame of who I've let myself become. 

The Voiceless

"They say you'll rot in Hell, but I don't think you will."

Tears fall the same, all of us feel rain and some of us really just can't change. You've branded everyone enough, leaving them with nowhere else to go. The only answer they know is "No." The nights just get more lonely, left lost and alone. Abandoned by a society who rejects them for being them. 

We all love, no matter who it is, if it's a boy or a girl, our hearts still beat the same. We all yearn for someone to hold us tight at night, to let us know that everything is going to be alright. There is no reason for you to rob someone of the happiness and joy that love brings. 

You say God loves all His children, that He wants us to be happy, but yet you go against what you read in your religious books just because you don't like one thing about someone. We weren't made to play God and it's none of your damn business how someone chooses to live their life. 

We say as a society that we should be help one another but behind closed doors, what are we teaching our children? To judge? To hate? You take away the voice of those who just want to love, to be who they are. Instead we just turn our backs while they suffer. We've created a world so painful that most would rather die. We force them to be alone or to hide their love. We as a society shove shame down their throats until it's the last thing they breathe. 

I don't know if you realize what you are doing. We are all humans and it's about time you realize that. We all feel pain, maybe you should start putting yourself in others shoes and realizing that maybe, just maybe that all kinds of love, is the same love.  Every last one of us deserves to be loved, to have someone beside us who loves us even on our worst days. And that is why I support it. Because if we are going to take away their rights and their voices, then take away mine too because I want nothing to do with them.

If you go to Hell for loving someone, then we're all commended. If supporting someone I love means losing my salvation, then maybe it's not salvation after all. Because my darling, if Hell is where you go, I'll be right beside you for the ride. 

Little Lady

Your little heart beats as I hold you safely in my arms, Your eyelids fluttering at the softest sound as your pacifier moves to the beat of your innocent dreams.

A single tears rolls down my cheek as I know our time together will be cut short. Soon I will leave and you will grow up, not knowing who I am when I return.

Looking down at your beautifully pale face, my heart breaks. All I can think of is the pain you'll someday have to endure; the boy that will break your heart, the girls that will crush your self esteem and those who will leave you.

But that's why I have to leave.

I won't let you fight through everything I had to. Even if it means leaving you for a little while, I'll do whatever I can to protect you from the pain.

No Limits

 "Love has no age, no limits and no death"

You can say what you want to say,

But I know love doesn't work that way

You can do what you want to do,

But I'll never forget what we went through.

You don't know everything, neither do I,

But I know that what you're saying is a lie,

You're never too young, you are never too old,

But there's one thing I believe 

I'll treat love like gold.

I don't know everything but I do know this,

Feelings have no rules and that's all love is.

Nobody's perfect, not you, not I,

But for you I love, I'd truly die.

Love is a feeling like your heart could matter,

I know I'm in love, so what you say doesn't matter.

I wrote this poem on a blank page,

Just to say that love has no age.

"If you have to think about whether you love someone or not then the answer is no. When you love someone you just know."

Home Too Soon

"Far away from home everything is so clear when you're all alone" 

Springville will always be my home. No matter where I am in this big world, I will always return to that small town. 

But there are trials for all of us. My biggest trial is escaping the life I use to live. The life before Christ.  Although I love everything about home, it presents a trial every time I return. Old Lexi starts to creep back, feeling the spirit is almost impossible, the claws of the adversary dig deeper into me and my anxiety is almost too much to handle. 

Being away I am becoming who I've always needed to be and the spirit is a constant companion. A friend who walks me to class, a shoulder to cry on and a reminder of the life to come. Although He may be my only friend at college, He is all I need.

Being away, I am a child learning to walk for the first time. My eyes see the light of the gospel for the first time. My young heart burns the desire to learn of Him. I must learn to walk again, learn to walk in the light of the Lord. It's a path I must go on alone with Christ by my side. 

Running away is not what I am doing. I am growing as a child of God. I am learning for myself. I am experiencing a world I thought I knew. I want to give Him all I have so that everything I say and do points to Him. Because with sacrifice comes great rewards.

And although those I hold dear are back home, I have to be strong and do this for Him. Because He has never left my side and even though my heart is torn, I will follow Him. 

Last night as I prayed, I knew in my heart I must stay away from home for longer periods of time. No more visiting every weekend. I have to limit myself to twice or even once a month. With following my heart, I know I should have attended BYU-Idaho. It's something I'm regretting with everything I have. But I guess a detour was what I had to take. 

Don't be sad, my help comes from the Lord. Please understand and be strong for me, for this is something I must do. I love you all. Everyone of you has touched my life in more ways than you can even imagine. Please remember its never a goodbye, its always a see you later.

Always Your Best Friend

"..Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14.

I woke up early this morning to the familiar smell of old men, rotten food and your occasional moth ball. As I walked into the kitchen, I realized my roommates were all still asleep. It's day like this I'm grateful I don't have to share a bedroom.

After taking a quick shower, I went for a walk while eating a granola bar as I wandered around campus until I finally found the library. Fighting the ever present loneliness, I talked to my dad on the phone. He always joked about how I would miss living at home, how I would miss him. I never took him seriously until now. 

It's true that you really don't realize what you have until it's gone. For the past few days, the loneliness I've felt has been so frightening. I've been incredibly lost for months now and have questioned every second of my decision to attend college. 

After my walk, I went back to my room. And just sat there. Because there isn't much to do at seven in the morning. But as I sat there drowning in my self pity, that small voice they teach you about in Sunday school started to get louder after months of almost being mute.

It was then when I became so grateful that I live close to a beautiful Temple. So I got dressed in my Sunday best, grabbed my scriptures, a notepad, my keys and I was out of that dorm room. With my phone turned off, I drove the few minutes to the Temple with a cheesy smile I couldn't fight.

The parking lot was empty for the most part besides two other cars. I walked up the little hill to the Temple entrance and smiled at the few ground keepers and thanked them for their amazing job. I can't imagine how much work goes into keeping the grounds of any Temple so beautiful. 

The only noise I could hear was that of the occasionally car or bird. While I walked around the outside, I couldn't help but be amazed at how beautiful it was and I still wasn't able to fight that cheesy smile. 

I chose a spot on a grassy tree covered hill, closed my eyes and started to pray. Thanking Him for every blessing and every trial I've ever received. Soon every worry disappeared. And for once in almost a year, I felt completely at peace.

It wasn't long until I knew my Best Friend was sitting right beside me, holding on tightly to my hand and wiping my tears away. I had been ignoring Him throughout the trial, I had never taken the time to actually confide in Him. But as I felt guilty for not trying harder, I knew in my heart that even though I hadn't taken the time away from my self pity to look for Him, He was watching over me the entire time.

I may not have any of my best friends here, but there is one friend that is always with me no matter what. He is my Best Friend in the entire world. I love Him with all my heart. And I thank Him every day for sending me the people who guided me to Him. I am forever grateful for the gospel. 

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

Blind

Love is blind or so it's said

as if the eyes had failed

to notice things that others see

Like faults to be assailed

Imperfections multiplied

until they do abound

problems then are magnified

'Til they compass us round

This is why Love must be blind

for who could stand and face

such a searing spotlight and

Still be loved one trace

This train of thought sounds logical

At least unto the head

but if true love comes from the heart

who by the head is led?

Love is blind? I disagree

I do not feel that way

Love sees each and every fault

And Love loves anyways